


drowning in reverie

by meikun



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Dark fic, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dirty Thoughts, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Guilt, Hypersexuality, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Intrusive Thoughts, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Anguish, Sex Work, Sexual Content, Shame, Violent Thoughts, i think, literally just me venting and projecting oh no, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:21:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28472301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meikun/pseuds/meikun
Summary: ventfic;in which aone has a deep secret, that koganegawa unintentionally gets involved in. a series of events leads to one thing, then another.
Relationships: Aone Takanobu/Koganegawa Kanji
Kudos: 4





	drowning in reverie

**Author's Note:**

> a catharsis, a way to release everything, that i apologize for. :,]  
> aka, projecting my experiences of intrusive thoughts and hypersexuality, way too much
> 
> disclaimer: as a note, this isn't meant to glorify or romanticize hypersexuality or intrusive thoughts, coming from someone that struggles with those things themself. and, as a note, this isn't meant to be a definitive guide or reference on anything; this quite literally is just a vent fic/cope fic BAHAHA
> 
> you may cry out, "ao3 author meikun, this is so ooc!!! you're just projecting onto aokoga!!!" and i must admit, you are correct.

* * *

The red glow of the halls almost made you nauseous, it was almost demonic. It was stuffy, hot, humid. Usually, it wasn’t _this_ hot in here, did the air conditioning shut off again? 

A low anxiety boiled in your stomach, for whatever reason. Usually, you were just fine. Yet, you couldn’t stop feeling worried, nervous about nothing and everything at once. 

Y’know, ever since you started working here, you’ve been losing sleep. At night, even when you get home, you lie awake, unable to shut your brain off. You pray your parents don’t find out, you pray that _nobody_ outside of this place finds out. 

You’re already feared enough at school, you couldn’t even imagine how bad your reputation would get if rumors spread that you were a rent boy. (Rumors are usually untrue, but, this one… No, keep your mind off it.) 

You let out a long sigh, gripping your knees. This filthy couch wasn’t making the heat any better, it was ripped and full of _questionable_ stains. When was the last time this thing was even cleaned? 

“Aone, you alright?” A girl leaned into the room, twirling the bunny ears that hung from the headband on her head. Another worker at the establishment. You nod. Really, you weren’t, but they might have sent you home if you shook your head. 

You didn’t know how else to communicate anything, besides nodding or shaking your head. Your mouth was dry, your throat hurt, you felt like you were going to cry if you had to speak. Besides, everyone at the damn place knew you weren’t a talker. At least, outside of the private rooms.

The girl did a thumbs up and left, tending to a client that was requesting her. Once again, you were left alone with nothing but your thoughts and your phone. 

Glancing at your phone again, you’re greeted with the same message; “ _nothing here yet!”_

Honestly, you didn’t know what you were expecting. It’s not like anyone else at school or on the volleyball team was awake at this time, let alone wanting to message you. Yet, you still felt a slight disappointment. You wanted to be distracted, you wanted something to ease the nervousness boiling in your stomach, just for a second. But, you got nothing. 

Your eyes fall to a pair of underwear on the ground, which you nervously kick away. Someone ought to pick that up. Despite, well, doing sex work, you never seemed to get rid of that mild disgust of panties or bras or this or that. (Well, you didn’t like girls, so, maybe that’s an explanation.) 

You were the only boy in the establishment, which made for awkward moments and conversations when the girls weren’t busy. (... He did _what_ to your tits?) But, you dealt with it. They were nice, and they didn’t seem freaked out by the fact you were a 6’3 giant who barely spoke. (... Now that you thought about it, you _did_ bear some similarities to a polar bear. Short white hair, an unintentional glare, and rather large in build… Man.) 

To add to the awkwardness of it all, you were _also_ the youngest sex worker at the establishment. The only second year there. It showed, though. You were unsure, hesitant, in your movements; you were almost innocent in your actions. A nervous gleam in your eyes was always present. Specifically, clients seemed to love how “inexperienced” you were, like a virgin. It made you red with embarrassment, but hey, clients seem to like it. 

You find yourself walking to the restroom, again. Turning on the sink and splashing your face with water, it did _something_ to calm you down. Maybe not a lot, though. (Just two more hours, and your shift is done, Takanobu.) Maybe you need something to drink. 

“Aone, client,” you hear from a girl passing by. You let out a quiet hum, to let her know you heard. “By the way, this guy’s a newcomer, do good,” the girl continues. You didn’t want to turn around and face the person speaking to you; so you stood, staring at the sink. The faucet leaked ever so slightly, dropping beads of water. You hummed again. 

The familiar clacking of heels started again, before fading away as she got more distant. 

Newcomer, huh? 

* * *

  
  


“Aone?” A voice rang, shortly after the door closed. 

You looked up, opening your mouth to reply, however…

“Ko… Gane.” 

Temporarily, your heart stopped. You blinked, making sure you didn’t mistake the client for Koganegawa; surely, he must’ve had— No, that’s… That’s Koganegawa, alright. 

Your hands gripped the edge of the bed. You scooted further back, feeling the silk against your thighs.

A heavy silence fell between you two. Kogane’s hand slipped from the door handle to his side. He stared at you, with a look you couldn’t discern. Was it the dim light? Was it just a mixed feeling? God, what was this boy thinking?

“Aone.”

You jump. You take a deep breath, “... Yes?” He wasn’t asking a question, hell, he wasn’t even calling for your attention. It was said like a command, like a statement, your name. 

“What’re you doing here?” Kogane asks, his voice plain, objective. Unexpectedly, he wasn’t vile or disgusted, not even disappointed. You gulped heavily, attempting to avoid the question. “What are _you_ doing here?” You deflected. 

Kogane blinked, not responding. He was still across the room, still staring at you. It wasn’t a malicious stare, no, no. If anything, it was a yearning stare. His eyes scoured your body. You pulled on your white shirt, playing with the hem of the tight black shorts. More than ever, you were embarrassed of your body. Fuck. 

“Well, I paid to be here,” he broke the silence, making his way to the bed. You stared at the ground as his footsteps got closer, as his shadow fell over you. 

For once in your life, you felt small. 

“Are there, y’know, condoms in here?” Kogane asked, his voice light and easy. (How is _he_ the calm one here? Is he just good at hiding it?) You nodded, pointing to the nightstand by the bed. Internally, you were glad he possessed some sense to get some condoms, hopefully he would get lubricant too. 

“D’you take it up the ass?” 

Your mouth opened slightly, in shock. You weren’t sure what to expect, but surely not that. Is _this_ the Koganegawa you know in practices? In matches? You knew what he meant, but you didn’t expect it to be so… Vulgar. It was awkward. It was _embarrassing_.

It was weird; having someone at your school, on your volleyball team… end up being your client, as a rent boy. 

“Excuse me?” 

He laughed, coming back to stand in front of you. “You heard me,” he said. 

You waited to respond, “... I can, I… want— Yes,” you muttered, feeling your face heat up. “Okay,” Kogane replied, pulling his shirt over his head. Slowly, you began undressing yourself, realizing you’d been glued to the edge of the bed ever since he entered.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Ah.

Now you remember why you started doing sex work in the first place. It was a mix of reasons, actually, no singular answer to “why?” 

You wanted to save up money. Your family wasn’t _poor_ , or anything like that. However, you still wanted to help support it, you wanted to feel useful. 

But, of course, you could’ve worked at a convenience store, or something. You could’ve worked a completely safe and… More legal, job. Anything besides selling your body, to put it in a less flattering way.

_“Are- Is this your first time?” You sputtered, quickly regretting what you said immediately after. You laid down, resting your head on the pillow. It was cold, providing some relief to a headache you didn’t even notice you had._

… That’s just an excuse, isn’t it? Goddamnit, you just needed any excuse to not seem like a dirty slut; a sex addict. You disgusted yourself. 

_“Yeah,” Kogane chuckled. Suddenly, he gripped your thigh, scooting himself closer to you. The touch was exhilarating, it made a low moan boil in your chest._

You loved it, you wanted to be touched. In so many ways, you wanted to be held, touched, gripped, loved. Hell, you _needed_ it, you needed to be loved, to feel good. Touching _yourself_ wasn’t good enough, it got old after a while. 

_“Aone, I don’t think I’ll see you the same after this,” Kogane said, looking right at you. Your breath hitched. “I’m sorry.” Your response was pathetic._

It was disgusting, and you knew that. 

_He was patient, unlike other first timers who you’ve had. His hands, firm but not painful, felt so damn good. You hated to admit it, but you loved feeling him slowly filling you up. You loved how his breath slightly hitched as he entered you. You were already losing your mind when he started picking up pace, going in and out of you._

But you wanted it, you needed it, and your lack of self restraint didn’t help you any. 

_Kogane’s arm rested above your head, the other gripping your hip. He was rough, angry, tense. You could tell by his soft grunts and distracted eyes, he’s stressed. He wants to release it all onto you, he wants to project all of that pent up stress into you. You let him. You wanted him to._

You felt empty, unloved, invalid, without the touch of others. Strangers, who you didn’t know the name of, who you vaguely remember the faces of, they all fueled your need. You hated it.

_You looked up, at the face looming above you. He glanced at you. Rather than a disgusted or vile expression, he smiled. He smiled, and you felt your heart soar. Goddamnit._

You hated yourself for it, you hated that you saw all of this as a way to feel loved, as a way to feel validated. There were so many other ways for others to show you love, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. (You wanted it to be enough, you needed it to, you can’t be doing this any longer, you told yourself. You didn’t know how to make it enough.) 

You were always told, don’t be selfish, live carefully, this and that. You felt selfish, for being like this. (You had lost all self control, at this point. For allowing yourself to get to this point.) 

_“I can’t believe I’m losing my virginity to a whore, of all people,” Kogane muttered. You let out a small gasp, covering it with a low moan._

He’s right, though. 

To him, you’re maybe nothing more than a teammate, and a prostitute. A disgusting excuse of a person. And it hurt to think that, even if it was the truth. You wanted him to love you, you wanted him to need you just as much as you needed him— Stop letting yourself grow attached to people, goddamnit, _stop_. You don’t need him. 

_“Want you,” you whispered, taking a deep breath. You didn’t realize tears were clouding your vision. He looked at you, “hm?” You arched your back, spreading your arms outward. “I want you,” you repeated. You almost gagged, feeling and hearing those words tumble out._

STOP IT

_“Please,” you whispered._

WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE

WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE

_“Okay,” was all that he replied with, resting a hand on your shoulder. He’s so tender. He’s so kind. He loves you._

He doesn’t love you please stop you don’t love him you don’t love him stop it he’s your teammate stop he doesnt love you he doesnt love you you cant do this please stop you cant YOU CANT DO THIS WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE YOU FUCKING SLUT STOP STOP YOU DONT WWNT HIM YOU CANT WANT HIM STOP 

_You shut your eyes tight, focusing on your heavy, shaky breath. He’s so nice. He feels so good. His thrusts are so good._

please stop

_His hands are so warm, so gentle. His voice is unlike what you’ve heard. It’s not loud and bold anymore, it’s not careless and fleeting. He’s so soft, he’s there. He touches you, and you want more._

_You feel so loved, so cared for. You don’t feel like an outcast anymore. He knows you’re more than the Aone at school. He cares._

stop

_You need him. You want more of him. God, he feels so good, why can’t other clients be like this? You want more of him, you want him to go faster, harder, deeper. You want all of him inside you, you want to feel him. You feel loved._

_A deep warmth washes over you, within you. It makes you shake. “Feel- feels good,” you mumble, holding onto Kogane. A hot, pulsing glow is at your core, making your hips slightly buck up at the sensation. Your chest rises and falls, your mouth slightly agape as you let out soft, drawn-out groans. You open your eyes slightly. He smiles. “Aone, you’re so different here,” he laughs._

_You love his laugh. You want more. You can’t get enough._

_“Are you okay?” He asks, his voice concerned. He’s so kind. He’s so warm. His body is so warm and comfortable. Please don’t go._

_You nod slowly._

_“Okay, do you need anything?”_

_“I’m fine.”_

_He nods, running a hand through your hair. “See you tomorrow,” he has a shiteating grin. You know it’s supposed to be taunting, almost mocking. Yet, you can’t help but feel your heart beat faster when you see it._

_Then, he’s gone._

  
  


* * *

  
  


You find yourself leaning against walls or door frames often, feeling dizzy. You didn’t sleep good last night. In class, your head spins. You try hiding it from Futakuchi; but he inevitably finds out. He always does. 

“Aone,” he says your name. It doesn’t make your heart beat like when Kogane says it. 

“Aone,” he repeats. You glance at him, knowingly.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

You shake your head.

“Aone,” he repeats your name, more stern.

You keep on shaking your head.

“Aone, I’m serious, what’s wrong?” 

He opens his mouth, about to speak, then he shuts it. His expression changes, from suspicious and concerned, to almost surprised. “Aone,” he says, softer this time. 

Without realizing it, you started tearing up. 

You shook your head again, standing up and leaving. You can skip class this once. You need it. 

It was stupid, how you were falling apart _now._ You, of all people, should've been able to hold up. A nauseating guilt is replacing that void in your stomach, reminding you every so often that you’re a whore. 

You should’ve known this would happen, that selling your body like that would lead to this. The side effects of being a disgusting sex addict were piling up. disgusting disgusting disgusting disgsuting DISGUSTING DISGUSTING GDISGUSTING DIGSUTJGN SGDISYDJTND FGSISGSUFFNFB DISGSUTIFN SISGSUFNTBF

You find yourself in the restroom, where you hide in a stall. It was uncomfortable in there, it was tiny for you. But, anything to separate yourself from everything and everyone else.

You wiped your eyes, finally clearing your vision. 

Guilty, that’s what you felt. 

You’d always felt _something_ resembling guilt, how you sold your body to total strangers, how you just couldn’t be satisfied, how you always needed more. But, after your session with Koganegawa, it all came to the forefront of your mind. 

You felt disgusted, how you allowed yourself to _enjoy_ it, how you allowed yourself to _want_ more. You wanted him, you needed him. (You wanted his hands to touch every inch of you, you wanted him inside you, you wanted more of him.) 

FUCK stop stop stop

You knew you shouldn’t lust after a teammate like that, you knew you shouldn’t lust over your kouhai like that, but goddamnit, you did. You wanted Kogane to touch you _more_ , just once wasn’t enough. You needed him.

OH MY GOD STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP BEING GROSS CUT IT OUT OH MY GOD

You hissed, pushing yourself against the cold stall door. You hated yourself for being like this. You hated yourself for being so vile, so disgusting, so needy. You hated yourself for growing attached to someone you _knew_ you shouldn’t be attracted to, not in the way you did. 

You gulped, finally sitting down. Leaning against the toilet, you wondered how long it would be until the end of the period, until the end of the school day.

  
  
  
  


Your eyes met with Koganegawa’s. Briefly, your breath hitched. You wanted him, you wanted to run up to him and have him hold you and kiss you and fuck you until ySTOP IT STOP IT STOP STOP PLEASE OH MY GOD STOP

He looked back into your eyes, his thin pupils looming in your memory. He looked at you with a knowing look, a look that told you all you needed to know. He turned around, going back to practice his sets. 

You realized you should be practicing, too. It would be a waste of time to just stand there while the rest of your team actively improves their skills; but you couldn’t seem to zone back in. 

You weren’t sure if you were relieved or upset that he _knew,_ that he _remembered._ You were glad to know that he remembered that night, that he knew what you were thinking as well. On the other hand, you didn’t know whether or not it was a bad or good look of acknowledgment. 

_“Aone, I don’t think I’ll see you the same after this,” Kogane said, looking right at you. Your breath hitched. “I’m sorry.” Your response was pathetic._

Of course he wouldn’t, of course he didn’t. You weren’t sure why you apologized. Maybe it was a “sorry in advance for this,” or a “oh yeah, sorry, ehehe.” 

Regardless, you knew he didn’t see you the same way as he did before. He even said beforehand. Yet, you couldn’t help but feel helpless in it all. 

“Aone,” Futakuchi called your name. “You’ve been spacing out all day, are you _sure_ you’re alright?” He shakes his head, holding the volleyball in his hands closer to him. “No, no, why am I even asking? Of fucking course you’re not,” he sighs.

You know Futakuchi’s disappointed in you. Not angry or pissed that you’re not paying attention, just disappointed. You’re not like this usually. 

“Aone, please go home,” he says. The way he says it is a plead, a begging request. However, the way his eyes have a tired dullness to them, the way his hands grip the ball so tensely, the way that the rest of your teammates began giving you concerned stares; you knew you had to leave.

So, you nodded slowly, and turned around. You changed out of your athletic clothes, grabbed your bag, and left in silence. A grim exit from practice, to say the least. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Hey, Aone, you alright?” 

One of the girls that worked in the same place as you checked on you, a worried tone in her voice. You nodded. 

She blinked, before silently nodding as well. She left wordlessly. 

You found yourself _waiting,_ waiting for Kogane to return. You knew it was unwise to do so, he probably wouldn’t even consider passing by you in the halls, now. But, _god,_ you didn’t hide it to yourself. You wanted him to come back, you wanted to touch and feel and hold and see and just be with him again, and again. 

When he didn’t return that night, you got frustrated. You knew it was irrational to feel frustrated over something so arbitrary, but you still did. You waited night after night, to no avail. 

You knew you were digging your own grave at this point. 

You needed him so damn bad, and you weren’t even sure if he even thought about you after school. You needed him, and he just saw you as an impure whore, didn’t he?

_But he lost his virginity to you. He loved and cared about you enough to have his first time with you, of all people._

He needed a quick release, a quick fuck. It doesn’t bear any value or weight that it was his first, he was just tense and stressed. FUCK stop trying to justify it all stop thinking about it youre making it WORSE STOP

_He was so nice._

_So warm._

_So soft._

_You miss him._

_You want him to love you again._

_He loves you._

_His hands were so warm, so gentle. His eyes were so loving and full. God, his voice, it was so soft and caring. He was an entirely different person._

_Can’t you see?_

_He cares about you._

_He’s different._

please stop 

please stop

please stop

please stop

please stop

please stop 

  
  


You ended your shift early that night.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


You had a dream that night. It wasn’t a nightmare, like you’ve been recently having. 

It was warm. You felt your chest slowly rise and fall as you breathed. 

A hand pet your head, running through your short hair. Your head was laying on someone’s lap. 

You glanced up.

A familiar bright smile beamed right at you. Your heart soared, you couldn’t help but smile, too. 

Kogane’s soft, blond hair flowed gently as he looked down at you. You felt like crying tears of joy; for once you didn’t think disgusting thoughts or feel lustful. You just loved him.

He didn’t speak to you, he simply smiled as he pet your hair. You loved it. It was more than enough. A first, actually.

To say you cried when you woke up, would be an understatement. 

The lust and need returned to you, as if it was always there. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


The Dateko team had a practice match with the Karasuno team. Frankly, you were quite eager to engage with this rising team and to meet your friend, Hinata, once again. 

Face to face with the short boy, you both bowed in respect. He looked up at you. “You alright? You look tired.” 

When were you not tired? 

Through an ardent push, you managed to stay focused on the matches, doing relatively well. Noticeably, Karasuno had improved. 

But, to say you weren’t distracted would be a lie.

You kept your eye on Kogane, not to catch any mistakes, Futakuchi would handle that. No, you wanted to just _watch_ him. 

How his hands so firmly, yet gently, set the ball; how his movements were rather stiff and messy, yet still efficient. You loved his passion, how he seemed to spread his naïve enthusiasm into all aspects of his life.

Of course, as always, Futakuchi noticed you were distracted. He leaned over to you. “Hey, stop getting distracted. I don’t know what’s up with you or Kogane, but I need you to focus on this, alright?” His voice was barely above a whisper. 

You nodded. “ _Sorry_.” 

He gave you a sympathetic look, before turning back to the net. You knew this was impacting your ability to play, Futakuchi noticed it. Eventually, it would wear you down. 

It was hard to ignore Kogane, though. He stood right by you, almost at all times. His hips would slam against yours as you blocked, making your heart beat harder, faster. His yells of disappointment and frustration made a silent whimper grow in your throat. 

During a break, you found yourself wandering to Koganegawa. 

You walked slow, unsurely, almost aimlessly. But, you knew who you wanted. With deep breaths, you tried calming down the barrage of thoughts in your mind. (It didn’t work.) 

He looked up at you from his phone. He had a quaint flip phone, differing from yours. “Hey Aone,” he started, “what’s up?” He had a thinly veiled tension in his voice. He knew, he knew all too well what was up. 

You didn’t respond, but continued looking at him. 

“Ah, that Hinata and Asahi… They’re so cool!” He said, still sitting on the bench. “And Tsukki… He’s so calm, whenever I block I always get caught up in the moment, and he’s so chill about everything, seriously!” He chuckled. 

You pouted. You wanted more than just regular banter, you wanted him to talk to you as if you were more than a mere teammate. 

You exposed your most vulnerable self to him, and you wanted him to act like it. 

His casual smile slowly faded into a look of concern. “Aone?” 

You continued staring. 

“... I know.” He finally said. You gulped. 

“Yeah,” he continued, “I don’t really know what to say, y’know. You can’t just force something super deep and insightful out of me,” he laughed, an almost sad tone to it. 

You wanted him, you _needed_ him. You didn’t want to hold back anymore, you didn’t want to lie to yourself that you didn’t need him. You wanted him to turn you over and fuck you and pound into you until you couldnt breath until you couldnt think until you were numb you needed him to touch every inch of your skin of your body to 

“ _Want you,” was all that you whispered._

oh god you wanted him to stand up and kiss you and shove his hand down your shorts and jack you off to press his fingers into you deeper and deeper you needed him you needed him so much please please 

_“Huh?” He blinked._

disgusting disgusting disgusting BUT IT WAS SO GOOD gross gross gross you wanted him to choke you to rape you to molest you to fuck you until you died oh god you wanted him you needed him 

_“I want you,” you repeated, your voice even softer._

you need him 

_“... Aone,” he said. “Are you okay?”_

_“I want- I need you,” you felt yourself becoming desperate. (As if you weren’t desperate enough before.)_

dirty whore

_He looked away, snapping his phone shut. “... Okay.”_

sorry 

_Temporarily, you stopped breathing. What did he mean by ‘okay?’ Oh god, you felt like you were going to crumble._

_Standing up, he looked at you, with a knowing nod, then walked away._

please 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Stranger after stranger, you indulge yourself more into this dirty secret. You wanted to stop, you knew you needed help, you felt like more of a monster than you already were. 

You needed it, you knew you shouldn’t, but you _needed it._ It was all that could quench your need for validation. Deeper, harder, faster, you needed it more the more you got it. _You were addicted to it, goddamnit._

Most importantly, you wanted Kogane to come back. You needed to feel his touch again.

He didn’t make you feel gross or impure, even if he called you a _whore._ God, the way his hands held you, the way he smiled at you, the way his body pressed against yours, oh god, you were desperate for it. 

You let yourself be used by men twice your age, guys only a year or so older than you, people all in between. You didn’t care. It fueled your gross addiction. 

At home, behind closed and locked doors, you pushed your own fingers into yourself. You touched and pleased and felt yourself all that you could, to feel any resemblance of pleasure. 

You bit into the pillow, muffling a moan as you pushed yet another finger into yourself. Deeper. You wanted it deeper. Your fingers couldn’t satisfy you. You wanted, bigger, deeper, harder, _more._ A soft sigh came out of you as you jerked your hips upwards. 

Maybe fucking your fist would satisfy you better than fingering yourself. It sounded vulgar, disgusting, but it made you twitch in excitement. 

You thrust into your fist, letting your mouth hang slightly agape as you huffed. You knew how risky this was, you knew all too well the chances of you getting caught doing something so disgusting. 

But yet, you continued. 

With each _slap_ against your palm, you felt a heat inside of you get warmer and warmer. 

You shut your eyes tight, feeling tears well up again. You were so, so disgusting disgusting disgusting disgusting disgusting disgusting 

You knew this was wrong, it was gross, dirty, impure, disgusting, nasty, oh god, fucking every synonym of “disgusting” there was. You wanted to stop, you wanted to just be normal.

You wanted to feel loved and validated by words, by gifts, by hugs and laughter, god, what the hell was this? 

It wasn’t enough, words were never sincere, nobody bothered to give you anything, nobody dared to hug you or laugh by you, this was all you needed to feel loved, to feel valid. 

You wanted to feel like you mattered, you wanted to feel loved, you wanted to be validated, you wanted to be _wanted_. 

It felt like people only loved you when you sold your body to them, they only wanted your body. 

And you gave it to them, to feel wanted. 

You opened your eyes again. Your vision was blurry from the tears springing. Don’t cry. What good does crying do? It doesn’t make you a good person, it doesn’t make you a holy angel. 

This was your fault. 

_You pounded harder and harder into your fist,_

_you pushed your fingers in as deep as you could,_

_you bit back heavy groans as you tried to steady your breathing._

You heard footsteps come up the stairs.

_Faster, harder, deeper, more, more, more,_

They’re going to find out. 

_Oh god, it feels so good._

They’re going to see that you’re a dirty sex addict.

_It feels like you’re going to cum._

How many times have you come tonight? 

_You’re close. So close. It’s so addicting._

You can’t do this. You’re so dirty.

_You deserve this. You just want to feel loved._

You need help.

_You shut your eyes tight again. You’re going to cum, you’re going to cum into your hands._

Stop.

_With each slam into your hand, with each pump of your fingers, you can feel yourself getting closer._

Please. 

_You gasp, snapping your eyes open. You look down to see white drops fall onto your stomach, onto the bed sheets. A pearly, translucent white veils your hands and thighs. Though, it was hard to see when your vision was blurred by tears._

Why would you do this to yourself? 

_You take a deep breath, trying to stop your stuttering breath. But, you feel a tear fall down your cheek. Then another. And another._

Why are you crying? 

_It’s so disgusting. You’re so disgusting. You try to keep yourself from weeping, but you can only hold it back so much._

You did this to yourself.

“ _Aone, I’m heading out of town for work for a few days. Be responsible.”_

_After the footsteps fade away, you let out a sob. You knew you were going to touch yourself more than ever, now that you were going to be alone more. The more you got it, the more you needed it._

God, you’re pitiful. You’re acting as if you’re the victim here. This was your fault. 

_You slowly reach your hand down your torso again, down to your cock, pumping it as tears continue to fall down your face._

You can’t ever be satisfied, can’t you?

* * *

  
  


You catch yourself zoning out again. Class begins in 4 minutes.

You can’t focus. Your head spins, racing with thoughts. You want it to stop, but you don’t know how to stop it. 

Futakuchi lays a soft hand on your back. “Hey, I know it’s getting repetitive at this point, but I know something’s wrong,” he starts.

You know you’re worrying him, you feel guilty for making him worry so much. The look in his eyes, tired, worried, almost nervous. 

He’s always noticed if anything was off with you, but this time, you can’t bring yourself to confess to him. And you won’t let him try to guess, either. 

“... And I know you’re a private person, I know you won’t tell me so easily, but… You can tell me anything, alright?” By the time you began paying attention to him again, he was still talking. You nodded.

He glanced at you, before turning back to his desk, slipping his hand off your back.

Your teammates pass by you in the halls, giving you concerned glances and nervous waves. Everyone’s been noticing, you’ve been acting differently. 

Onagawa walks by you, slowing down his rather quick pace as he passes by. “Hey man, are you alright?” He asks, slowing to a complete stop. 

You’re tired of hearing it, “ _are you alright?”_ It feels mocking, it feels repetitive. They know you aren’t alright. 

Though, you shouldn’t be getting angry at people for caring. Isn’t this what you wanted? For people to care? 

You nod.

He nods back, not saying anything else. 

You two continue walking, not looking back at each other. 

You wonder about him. He’s usually quiet in practice and in matches. You wonder, does he become talkative around his friends? Who are his friends? 

Regardless of the specifics of his life, you assume one thing; he’s normal. He isn’t like you. He doesn’t need to be touched to feel validated, he doesn’t sell his body to feel wanted, like you.

You’re a bit jealous.

You see Moniwa in the halls, chatting with Kamasaki. They spot you, and wave with a bright smile. “Hi, Aone!” Moniwa says. 

You nodded, and stiffly waved back, before continuing your way down the halls. 

You hoped that they didn’t notice your unordinary behavior. Maybe that small encounter didn’t seem _too_ out of character, did it? Could it? 

You hoped they didn’t find out. You hoped they would never find out. Of course, you hoped that _nobody_ you knew found out about your dirty secret. 

But, the thought of them knowing, the thought of your seniors being disappointed in you…

You shook your head, clearing your mind. Don’t think about it.

You see Jingo wandering down the halls. For a moment, you see red. 

_He’s trying to take Koganegawa from you._

No, he’s not. 

_He’s slowly winning him over._

He’s not doing anything.

_He knows._

Stop. 

_He hates you. He hates your fucking guts._

You don’t have any reasoning for that. He’s your teammate, stop thinking like this—

_Hurt him. Strangle him. You can kill him. Nobody would care._

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

_He’s passing right by you. Choke him. Bash his skull in. Step on him until he’s nothing but mangled flesh and shards of bone. You know you want to. You need to, before it’s too late._

You speed up your walking, avoiding looking at Jingo as you two pass each other. 

_He’s going to take Koganegawa from you._

You felt sorry for Jingo. He was just a poor friend of Kogane. 

Simultaneously, you were glad these thoughts were just thoughts. You prayed that they stayed as thoughts.

You couldn’t help but feel a rage boil in your chest whenever you saw Kogane practice with Sakunami. You hated how your coach decided _he_ was going to help Kogane. 

You tried holding back the urge to explode whenever Obara pat him on the back. Whenever he would yell, “Kogane, I believe in you!”, it made your breath shaky in anger. 

Perhaps the worst of it all, was that you hated it _most_ whenever Futakuchi and Kogane would hang out. It felt like betrayal. The iron wall, your ass. 

Stop, stop—

You knew it was irrational, you knew it was stupid. You were so protective over Kogane, for what? He didn’t care about you, he didn’t think of you in the same way you did about him. 

You feel jealous, skeptical, _angry_ , at everyone. Your mind jumps to conclusions— _They’re trying to take Koganegawa from you, he knows, she hates you, they want revenge —_

Dammit, you hate these thoughts. You hate how they were so sudden, how they made you want to cry with how violent they were. They were getting worse, and you could tell.

You stood at the edge of the gym, holding a ball in your hands. You gripped it hard. Trying to ignore said thoughts, you exhaled deeply and put the ball in the basket. Just distract yourself.

Koganegawa prances up to you, a handful of balls in his arms. “Aone,” he says, ”I think I did pretty good tonight, don’t you think? I mean, I think I did a pretty good job of setting the ball, it isn’t too high anymore,” he continues. “And my blocking has been quicker, too.” 

You loved how he rambled. Whenever he started to speak, he continued until he was stopped, or he had nothing else to say. His voice made your heartbeat a little faster. 

“Futakuchi says I’m doing good, he even said I had major potential, like, _holy hell, dude.”_ Kogane grinned, dropping the balls into the basket. 

And there it goes. A burning jealousy, deep in your heart. You nod, paying attention to his words. You know you shouldn’t be like this. You’re pathetic.

He looked at you, that familiar knowing look in his eyes. “You’ve been acting different, you know that?” He said. 

You swallowed tensely.

“Yeah, I know, it’s kinda weird between us now, isn’t it?”

You nodded.

“Sorry, I feel like, well, I shouldn’t have done it— But I paid up already, and I didn’t want to embarrass you by leaving, and I was stressed and pissed off and needed a release and—“ He took a deep breath. 

“Just, sorry. I probably should’ve thought it through, really. If anything, I shouldn’t have thought, ‘yeah, I’m stressed and need a break, let’s… Lose my virginity.’” 

He frowned. “Sorry.” He averted his gaze, looking at the floor.

You frowned, too. You didn’t want him to regret it, goddamnit, you wanted him to come back. You wanted him to want you, too.

“I still want you,” you said, whispering. 

Kogane looked at you again. “Huh- What?”

You hesitated to repeat yourself, “I still want you.” 

You felt shame rising in your gut again. Why are you like this? Why do you always end up doing this? You can’t do this, you can’t be letting yourself lose control like this—

“Aone,” Kogane whispered your name. He waited to respond. “I don’t know how to respond to that.” He took a step back. “... I need to get back to cleaning,” he mumbled. “... Talk to you later.” 

And he turned around, walking away. 

You gulped, holding back the urge to cry right there and then. 

Why are you like this?

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


You sighed, resting your head against the wall. Your shift ends in about an hour. But time seems to only tick slower and slower. 

A thin, tinny voice calls from down the hall. “Aone, you have a client!” 

You nod, despite being the only person in that room. You didn’t feel like speaking; it was too much. 

  
  
  


“Aone,” Kogane whispered your name, resting a hand on your back. “Don’t worry, I locked the door,” he said as you turned around. You held yourself back from embracing him. 

“You’re back.” 

He giggled, “yeah? You’ve said nothing to me but ‘ _I want you,’_ for like, the past month. I felt bad for you, so…” He threw his shirt onto the floor, and began fiddling with his pants.

You gulped. He came all this way, because he felt bad for you. How desperate, how filthy do you have to be? You wanted to grab him by the shoulders, yell in his face, “ _you didn’t have to do this, you shouldn’t have done this,”_ because he really didn’t have to.

He’s only making you more clingy, he’s only making you want more. 

Now, you feel regret pooling in the pit of your stomach. 

“... But you’re worth it, y’know? I kinda missed seeing you under me like that, makes me feel powerful. It’s hot,” he says casually. It makes your heart beat hard against your chest. 

God, these feelings are so conflicting.

He turns back to you, mostly naked. “What’s with that face?” He smiled. “Are you okay?” You nodded, realizing you should take off your clothes, too.

  
  


You wished you were occupied with something else, you wished you were like a normal teenager. But, no, you were so hooked on this disgusting _thing_.

“Aone, you alright?” Kogane zones you back in. His voice is soft, caring. You missed this. You’re finally getting what you’ve been yearning for. His body looms over you. The bed creaks slightly as he leans closer. 

You nodded. You loved this feeling, you loved feeling like you were the small, fragile one, for once. You tend to forget that Koganegawa _is_ 6’4, after all, he’s not even an inch taller than you. Yet, that small, small difference is exhilarating. 

“Okay,” he nods back. His hands squeeze your thighs, he toys with them. “God, I need to take a moment to appreciate you,” he laughs.

“Y’know, I’ve never really noticed your build, aside from, well, the fact that you’re an absolute giant. But…”

His hands caress your body. They’re so light, barely there. He squeezes your hips, runs his hands over your stomach and chest, cups your face. 

You thought you were going to cry. 

He’s so loving.

“... We should actually start, I’m not paying to waste your time,” he quickly retracts his hands. You wanted to sit up and grab his hands, to tell him, “ _no, please, it’s okay, I want this, please, make me feel loved._ ” 

You squirm, settling yourself into the bed. Slowly, you feel yourself losing control as Kogane’s hands begin touching you, pleasing you, loving you. 

_“Do you like it?” He asks, you nod, a soft groan coming from you. You love how he feels, how he enters you so gently, so carefully._

You know this is wrong, this is so, so wrong.

_“I’ve been thinking about you a lot, Aone,” he says. You shutter._

But yet, you love it. 

_“Ever since our first session, I’ve noticed you’ve acted differently. Is that my fault?” You don’t respond, looking down at his rising and falling chest. “... I see.”_

It comes to you again; that sickening guilt. This is so wrong. 

_“Aone, I’m sorry for doing this to you.” His hands roam. “I really am.”_

You feel a lump form in your throat again. This is your fault. You ended up like this, because you have no self control. 

_“Don’t be,” was all that you could utter. A soft, breathy moan came from you as he grabbed your hips._

_“You feel so good, you know that? I love it,” he chuckles. He’s going so slow, to not hurt you._

He almost said it, he almost said _I love you._ You gulp hard. You want him to say it, you want him to tell you that he loves you. 

_“Aone,” he whispers. “Aone, Aone,” he moans your name under his breath, shaky and unsure. He closes his eyes, leaning his head back. “Aone, I feel like I should be regretting this, but god, it’s so good.”_

You want to regret it too, you want to convince yourself that this is so, so wrong. Selling your body to your teammate, god, it’s so filthy. 

_He picks up pace, moving his hands up to your waist. You stare at him, taking in his beauty. He’s so pretty, he’s so handsome, you want more of him._

You can’t lie to yourself anymore; you love him. 

_He grabs your shoulders as he settles closer to you. His chest is barely a few inches from yours, your faces are almost touching. He’d opened his eyes, half lidded in pleasure. Yyou feel a smile form on your face._

You want him to love you back. You want him to love your body, you want him to love _you._

_“Fuck,” he hisses, pushing in deeper. You let out a soft groan, wrapping your arms around him. He’s so warm, so close to you._

Yet, you know you shouldn’t. It’s an endless battle with yourself; this is wrong, filthy, disgusting, this makes you feel loved, it makes you feel like you matter. 

_“Aone, is it okay if I— Can I go faster? Are you… Do you want to?” He stutters. Momentarily, you forgot this was only his second time. You smile, “please.”_

He’s so pure, not in the sense that he’s innocent, but in the sense that he isn’t disgusting like _you_ are. He’s so good, compared to you. 

_His thrusts are so good, so fast, so steady. God, he’s so strong, too. His arms rest on both sides of your head as he quickened his pace._

You feel like you’re contaminating him. 

_“Moan for me,” he suddenly says. His eyebrows are furrowed in concentration, but his eyes flicker to you. You blinked, “hm?”_

_“Moan for me.”_

But he apparently thinks otherwise.

_You let your mouth hang agape, breathy moans and gasps let loose from it. Kogane loves it, “god, I love how you moan, so—“ He grunts, “You’re so hot.”_

You want him to love you more. 

_His pace is almost grueling, slamming into you with energy and prowess you’d never thought he’d possess. You love it. You love him._

You feel pathetic, falling in love with a guy that’s fucked you twice. You love him because he treated you decently, while using your body to get off. 

_The sounds were vulgar; vulgar, even though you two were, well, you know._

_The bed creaked with each thrust he made into you. You paid attention to Kogane’s shaky breathing, his heavy groans. The lewd, almost wet slapping of skin made you feel even more lustful. God._

Oh, but you couldn’t help it. Nobody had touched you like this, nobody had cared for you like this. You wanted to just feel cared for, you wanted to feel like you weren’t a burden, a toy.

_“I’m—“ He hissed. “I’m close,” he murmured. His gaze was fixed on you. You gulped, wrapping your arms around his neck. “Aone, you’re irresistible, you know that?” He said, in between heavy pants._

Say it. Please, say it. You want him to just say _I love you_ already. You need him to. You just wanted him to say that he loved you. 

_“Ko— Kogane,” you moaned his name quietly, barely a whisper. He shut his eyes tight, ramming into you hard. You gasped in pleasure, arching your back._

Oh, but this was just as good. 

_You shook, clawing at his back. He felt so good, he made you feel so goddamn good. His arms reached under you, pulling you right against him. It was so exciting, so exhilarating._

You don’t care anymore. 

_“Aone,” he groaned, pressing his head against your chest. His hips thrusted slowly as he rode out his high._

You just wanted to be with him. You needed every aspect of his being. 

_There was only the sound of heavy breathing as you two rested. Slowly, Kogane lifted his head up, looking at you through heavy eyes. “You… You’re so addicting,” he slurred tiredly. Your eyes fell shut._

Did he want you now? Does he want you like you want him? 

_Slowly, he lifted himself off of you. His warmth disappeared, making you shiver. He flopped beside you, laying a hand on your chest._

You secretly— no, not even secretly, you just hoped that he wanted you too, now. You hoped that he would come back, you hoped that he would caress you and fuck you and lay beside you over and over and over and over and 

_Your bodies, dewy with sweat, laid there. Kogane ran a hand through his hair as he sat up. “I gotta get going eventually,” he said. You opened your eyes, looking up at him. “It’s too soon,” you wanted to say._

_He rested an arm beside your head, his body looming over you. “I don’t know what to say,” he whispered. “But— But I like this, I… Maybe, probably? Um, I’ll come back,” he rambled._

_Slowly, he got off the bed, putting his clothes back on. He slipped the condom off and threw it away. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him; you stared at the ceiling._

_“Are you okay?” He asked, a hand resting on your chest after he finished. You nodded, turning onto your side._

_He let out a long sigh, patting your back. “‘Kay, I’ll be going now.” He lifted his hand from your back, making you frown._

_He turned back to you as he unlocked and turned the door handle. “See you later, Aone.” He smiled._

_And he left, once again._

You hoped you would see him again. It’s all you wanted.

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Your hands shook as you dialed your brother’s phone number. You didn’t know what to do, you didn’t know who to turn to.

You didn’t know why you decided to talk to your brother, of all people. He’s off at college now, and you weren’t the closest, even when he was at home. 

Yet, you didn’t know who you could talk to. He was your last resort. 

_“Takanobu?”_

_“Hi.”_

_“Nobu-kuuuun! Oh my god, it’s been a while, huh? How’s it going?”_

You looked down, swallowing nervously. 

_“Good.”_

_“As stern as always, huh? That’s my Nobu.”_

You nodded, even though he couldn’t see.

_“So, what’s the reason for calling? Just wanted to talk to your old man?”_

He was only 21. 

_“... I wanted some advice.”_

_“Oh? I’m so glad you came to me of all people, brotherhood, huh?”_

You laid down on your bed, looking out the window.

_“So, what’s causing you problems?”_

You thought, wondering how to word your issue in a way that didn’t blatantly expose you. 

_“I’m having an ordeal—“_

_“At school?”_

_“No. It’s— It’s a thing that I’ve been hiding for a while, and recently, a friend got involved.”_

_“... Takanobu, what are you talking about?”_

_“I don’t know if he’d be considered just a friend anymore, but—“_

_“Nobu, you can’t be describing it so vaguely, y’know. This could be dating drama, or a murder case, based on what you’ve told me.”_

_“...”_

Did he expect you to just go “yeah, I’m a prostitute because I’m addicted to sex because it’s the only way I feel loved and wanted and I just fucked one of my teammates twice and now I’m in love with him,” did he? 

You really couldn’t feel mad at him, though. You were finally speaking to him for the first time since he left for college, and this first-since encounter was you asking for advice. 

_“Nobu? You still there?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Are you okay? You don’t have to tell me the whole situation if you don’t want to, but if you want advice, I’m gonna need some more insight on the issue specifically.”_

_“But I… I’m…”_

_“Hm?”_

_“I’m scared.”_

_“... Nobu-kun? Is everything okay at home?”_

_“It’s not a home issue, it’s just that…”_

You couldn’t finish your sentence. You didn’t know what to say. 

_“Are you being bullied?”_

_“No.”_

_“Did you get pressured into doing drugs?”_

_“No— What?”_

You heard a deep laugh erupt from your phone. You held it slightly away from your ear. 

_“Sorry, Nobu. But, for real, I can’t keep guessing forever.”_

_“I know. I’m sorry.”_

Your voice cracks. Once again, your eyes clouds with tears. You wipe your eyes. Why are you crying so much lately? You don’t have any good reason to cry. 

_“... Takanobu, I…”_

He heard your voice, didn’t he? He’d always been receptive to emotions, even through just voice, even through just facial expression. He was like Futakuchi, except even _more_ perceptive. 

_“I’m scared, Ichirou-san.”_

_“I’m your brother, it’s okay, okay? I know you’re scared, are you scared to talk to me about it?”_

_“Yes. I don’t know who to talk to, though. I’m just…”_

_“Yeah, yeah,”_

You hear a shuffling from the other side. 

_“Tell me, Takanobu, are you doing something you shouldn’t be doing?”_

_“...”_

You didn’t want to respond, but that’d defeat the point of calling your brother in the first place. You didn’t like it when he called you by your full first name, it made you feel guilty. 

_“Takanobu, I promise I won’t tell mom. Promise.”_

_“... Promise?”_

_“Promise.”_

You let out a deep sigh. 

_“Yes.”_

_“... Okay, what’s the nature of this thing, then?”_

_“...”_

_“Is this legal?”_

Yeah, probably not. Definitely not, at your age.

_“It’s complicated.”_

_“... You mentioned a friend getting involved, what happened with this friend?”_

_“... He… I— We, well—“_

_“Takanobu, take a deep breath.”_

You didn’t notice you were breathing this quickly. You took a long, deep breath. Yet, your breathing still stuttered; you were shaking. 

_“He, well, we, did something, and—“_ You gulped. 

_“What is this something?”_

You had sex. Twice. 

_“We, we did— We had…”_

_“Takanobu, did you have… You know?”_

Your breathing began quickening again. Your heart pounded against your chest, goddamnit, it felt like you were going you die why did you think this was a good idea why why why whywhywwhywwhywhwywhywhwywhwywhywwhy

_“I’m sorry,”_

Your voice shook. 

You didn’t know why you were apologizing to _him_ , you didn’t know why you decided to dump this onto him, he was so far away, you didn’t know why you thought he would help goddamnit goddamnit goddamnit WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FUCK UP

_“Takanobu, it’s okay, please calm down.”_

Again and again, you always lose control of your emotions. You aren’t aware of your emotions. You were crying again. 

You sat up, pulling your knees to your chest. 

_“I don’t know.”_

_“It’s okay, I’m not telling anyone.”_

_“Please don’t.”_

_“Okay, I’m going to ask you some more questions, ‘ight?”_

_“You’re gonna tell mom, aren’t you? Please don’t, please don’t.”_

_“No, I promised I wouldn’t tell her, I’m not an asshole.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Did he make you feel uncomfortable at all? Did you ask him to stop?”_

_“No.”_

_“Both times?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Did you use protection?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Both times?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Were you drunk? Tipsy? High?”_

_“No.”_

_“Both times?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“How did you two end up doing it?”_

_“...”_

_“I’m not asking for a lot of detail, Nobu, okay?”_

_“Niisan, I— I’m not, I don’t know.”_

_“You don’t know?”_

_“I know, but I just…”_

_“Nobu, is this the ‘it’s complicated’ part of it?”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

why did you do this to yourself WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS YOU ALWAYS FUCK UP WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MESS THINGS UP HES GONNA TELL EVERYONE HES GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING 

_“Nobu, do you need a moment?”_

_“I don’t know, I don’t know.”_ You balled your hands in a fist. Your chest heaved as you cried, making your breathing more unsteady than it already was.

 _“It’s okay, take a second, okay? I’ll be back, I need to do something.”_ Muted. 

You don’t know why you brought this onto yourself. You don't know how you let this happen to you. You don’t know how you managed to lose control so quickly. 

You buried your face in your arms, trying to calm yourself down.

  
  


Unmuted _. “Nobu, I’m back.”_

_“Hi.”_

_“Sorry it took so long, are you okay now?”_

_“I think so.”_

_“Okay. I know you said it was complicated about how you two ended up doing, y’know, but…”_ He paused. 

_“Nobu, are you a rent boy?”_

…

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“No, Takanobu, you’re a rent boy? A sex- Like, a sex worker? Prostitute?”_

_“I’m sorry,”_ you dropped your phone onto the bed. 

_“Takanobu, I need you to tell me, okay? I’m not angry or disappointed or anything, I’m not gonna tell anyone,”_ He placed emphasis on ‘anyone.’ _“I worry about you, please. Are you a prostitute?”_

You didn’t hear anything after that, aside from the occasional “ _Nobu-“,_ before being cut off by a sob. 

With each sob, your body shook. Pitiful wails came out of you, unlike any noise you’ve ever made. 

Never in your life, have you ever felt so damn pathetic. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Aone, I’m gonna ask you this once— what the hell is going on?” Futakuchi asks. He’d cornered you after practice one night in the clubroom, 

You shook your head.

“Aone, we’re all worrying you, can’t you see? I know you’re a private person, I know you’re not going to tell me so easily, but god, what is going _on?”_ A frustration grows in his voice.

“You know it’s bad to bottle up everything, please, Aone.” 

For a split second, you considered telling him. Because he seemed so genuine, so sincerely; and it would get him off your ass. 

But you shook your head.

“Aone, I know it’s getting repetitive, I know I seem nosy, I know, _I know,_ but everyone’s been noticing that you’re not acting like… _You._ ”

He sighs. “We care, Aone, we’re worrying for you. Can you _at least_ say if you’re okay?”

You nodded. 

“...” Futakuchi sighs again. “Okay,” he says, turning. 

“If you ever want to tell any of us… You’re free to, okay? We care for you.” 

He walked off, not looking back, even when he closed the door. 

  
  


You almost screamed when you saw Kogane the next day. 

He was someone you were familiar with, right? You knew him, he knew you. 

But, after you two… Did all of that, it’s rather hard to see him in the same way you did before.

He leaned against the vending machine, clicking rapidly on his phone. As you slowed to a stop, he looked up at you. “Aone,” he smiled softly. 

He snapped his phone shut, and put it in his pocket. “Hi,” he said, looking at you with an indiscernible expression. (You can never figure out what this guy was thinking, jesus.) 

You looked away, walking to the vending machine to get something. Kogane leaned over the edge of the machine, looking at you. 

“Don’t be like that,” he huffed. “What’re ya getting?”

 _Clank._ You took the carton of milk from the bottom of the machine. “Milk, huh?” He smiled slyly. You widen your eyes, swallowing nervously.

“I’m just messing with you, silly,” he laughed. Once more, his laugh made your heart beat harder. 

You felt his hands grab your shoulders as he slipped in front of you. “You alright?” He asks, his face dangerously close to yours. 

You nod, avoiding meeting his eyes. You see him frown in your peripheral view. “Aone,” he says, his voice suddenly softer. “Did I do something wrong?” 

Your head shoots up, shaking rapidly. Never, god, you did this to yourself, it was _never_ his fault.

He blinks. “Then what’s wrong?” 

You shrug, feeling him stare you down.

“... Aone,” he whispers, his voice barely there. He runs a hand down your back. “You confuse me.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, I just… Worry, that’s all.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“... Can you promise that you’re alright, though?”

 _Promise._ You gulp, suddenly reminded of that call with your brother. 

“Yeah.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

He smiles, gently patting your shoulder. His face was still close to yours. You held yourself back from kissing him right there, from indulging in one of the more pure fantasies you had.

“I’d better get going now, see you later.”

You nod.

As he walks away, he looks back, giving you a warm smile.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Aone, haven’t seen you in a while,” Kogane laughed at his own joke. He was so stupidly ridiculous, it made you smile. 

He shut the door, locking it behind him. The familiar _click_ of the lock rang through the room. 

Swiftly, he made his way over to you. His hands ran through your hair, making you shudder in delight. 

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot more, more than I already did,” he said. 

“Honestly, you and volleyball are contenders of things that occupy my mind the most.” You smiled softly. 

“Am I flattering you? Yeah?” He glanced at you, throwing his shirt at your face. You pulled it off, along with yours, while nodding, laughing softly. 

“Good, I like seeing you smile.” Oh, your poor heart. 

  
  


Quickly, you’re both laying together again, with Kogane’s hands roaming your body. He has a soft smile on his face, slowly lowering himself. He’s so warm. 

It’s almost as if he didn’t call you a whore, your first time with him. 

His hands make their way down your body, where he starts touching you, gently running his finger down your cock.

_“I like how sensitive you are, it’s really nice.”_

It sends you into hysterics, almost. 

_“You’re so soft and… Good, I don’t know how to describe it, but… Goddamn, dude.”_

You love him. You need him.

_“If Futakuchi finds out— If anyone finds out, we’re fucked.” He laughs, slowly entering you._

You know that. Yet, you still want him, you still need him. You know so well that this is wrong, that you’re fucked in the head; yet, your desire for Kogane’s touch overrides that. 

_He lowers himself even more, until you’re almost touching chests. He’s so warm, so gentle, you want him._

You’ve allowed yourself to become like this, and now you’re not even trying. Where did all of your self control go?

_His breath is heavy against your neck. It’s driving you insane._

God, you just want to grab him and force his hips into you more and more and more and more and more and make him choke you and 

_“Aone?” He says your name, once again zoning you back in. “Are you okay? Do you need me to stop?” You shake your head. You don’t want him to stop. Please don’t. “More,” you murmur shakily. “Okay,” he replies, increasing his pace._

You feel so selfish, so greedy like this. He’s the one paying to be here, yet, you’re commanding him to fulfill _your_ wants. How disgusting.

_Your mouth hangs open slightly, letting quiet growns and breathy keens come from you. You want more. You want him to love you more._

You can’t ever be satisfied, **you can’t ever be satisfied.**

_“Kogane, more, more,” you whisper desperately. He nods, holding your face with one of his hands._

You’re pathetic. Now _you’re_ the one using him, aren’t you? You’re a sad excuse of a human being. 

_You arch your back as he thrusts into you, filling you up so well. His thrusts are so powerful, so fast, god, he feels so fucking good._

He would never love you, especially not like this. You’re just a whore that he fucks to get off; teenage boys are known for being horny, you know. 

_The lewd slapping of skin fills your ears. You can feel his breath against your chest, hot and heavy. You look at him, seeing his eyes half lidded as he pounds into you._

Why are you always like this? Can’t you just be satisfied for just this fucking once?

_“Want you,” you moan. “I’m right here,” Kogane replies. “You have me.”_

He’s growing tired of you. 

_Tears spring to your eyes. “I want… I want you.” He shushes you, “shh, I’m here, you have me.” He reassures you so softly, so calmly._

He doesn’t love you.

_How many times are you going to change your mind? You shut your eyes tight, trying to keep Kogane from seeing your tears._

You’re such a slut Nobody loves you because all you want is sex sex sex sex sex sex you’re so fucking filthy and disgusting why did you ever think you would ever have a chance

_Your chest heaves, you feel warm paths travel down your cheeks. “... Aone?” Kogane calls your name, quickly noticing your tears._

why do you act like youre the victim why why why why why why WHY its always your fault its always been your fault and youre crying like you did nothing wrong YOU DID EVERYTHING WRONG YOU ALWAYS FUCK UP 

_He slows his pace. Oh god, please, don’t stop. “Aone? Are you okay?” You shake your head. Opening your eyes, you can barely see his blurred figure. “Aone, what’s wrong?” He whispers as he rests his body onto yours. His forehead rests against yours._

whore

_“Sorry,” you murmur between breaths. He cups your face with both hands, coming to a complete stop. “No, I want you, please.” You’re desperate._

_He wipes your tears gently. “Aone,” he whispers your name._

_“Hey, did I hurt you?” You shake your head._

_“Do you need a break?” You shake your head._

_“Do you need anything?” He asks, his voice concerned._

_“You.”_

_Suddenly, you feel his lips against yours. He leans into you, the weight change making the bed creak._

_You grab at his body, feeling him. He’s so warm, he’s so close. God, he’s kissing you. He lets out a low moan, taking his time with you._

_You wish you knew what to do._

_As quickly as he came, he leaned back from the kiss._

_“... Sorry, I should’ve asked you if you… Sorry.”_

_Your breath hitches. “I love you.”_

You fucking piece of shit. 

_“I love you so much,” you shake. He smiles, kissing you again. “I love you,” he mumbles underneath his breath. Your heart soars._

_He starts going again, picking up speed quickly. The bed creaked with every thrust he made, pounding into you harder than before._

_“I was too scared to say that, y’know,” he said. “I thought you’d react badly, or something, and I was scared out of my mind that you were crying because I’d hurt you, or something,” he rambled._

_“... I feel like I don’t deserve you.”_

_He clicked his tongue. “What’s with that attitude? God, you’re amazing, you need to realize that.” He lifted himself from your body, hiking himself up with an arm. “Sorry,” he apologized as he separated himself from you._

_Your head was spinning; god, he was so good at this. His cock pounded into you so hard, so fast, right where it felt so good. You felt his free hand reach to your cock, where he began pumping it gently._

_You couldn’t help but like out a long moan, slightly bucking your hips up into his hand._

_“I’m— I’m close,” Kogane muttered._

_He sat himself up slightly, gripping the sheets as he went at a grueling speed. His cock pounds deep into you, leaving you almost breathless._

_You gasped, calling out a string of vulgarities as you came. He pulled you closer onto his cock, thrusting as he rode out his high. Your thighs quivered as you felt a warm liquid spill onto your stomach and sheets. Dirty._

Kogane collapsed onto you, a soft “oopf” coming from you as he fell. “Sorry,” he laughed. 

You closed your eyes, wrapping your arms around him. His presence is so comforting.

  
  
  


“... I’m walking you home tonight,” he said suddenly. He inches up slowly as you remove your arms. You cock your head in confusion. “My shift ends in two hours.”

“Nah,” he says, sitting on the edge of the bed. He throws away the condom in the trash can nearby. “You’re not gonna be in this thing anymore, I can’t let you… Do this, y’know?”

You blink, trying to process what he’s saying. 

“I kinda am just realizing how dangerous this is for you, and I like— I _love_ you too much to let you do this stuff, yeah? I’m being protective, but…” He doesn’t finish his sentence, fixing his gaze towards the floor. You felt your face heat up at his emphasis of _love._

“Kogane, have I ever told you why I decided to do all of this?” You finally spoke, after a brief moment of silence. He turned back to you. “No, tell me on the way out, though,” he replied, standing up to put his clothes back on. 

You frowned. But, secretly, deep in your gut, you wanted to leave with him. “C’mon, I’ll help you,” he smiled slightly, holding his hand out for you to grab. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


“So, why _did_ you start being a rent boy?” 

You two walked down the dark street. You seemed to be the most familiar down this part of town, so you led the way. The air was cold, biting at your uncovered skin.

Oh boy, where to start… You rummaged through your mind, thinking of where to begin.

“I’m not gonna think of you any differently, by the way, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Kogane chimed in. You looked at him. “Are you sure?” 

“Obviously,” Kogane replied, grabbing your hand.

“I don’t know where to begin.” 

“What was like, the _thing_ , that made you decide to do this stuff?” 

“... I just wanted it.”

“Huh?”

“... I felt really unloved and lonely, and I just needed to feel like I mattered _somehow._ ”

“Oh, Aone,” Kogane whispered. 

You continued looking straight forward. 

“That’s really it. I needed that validation, and I got it when I started…” 

_Selling your body. Sleeping with strangers._

“Yeah, I see.” 

He trailed his hand up your waist, onto your chest. He stopped. 

“Are you okay?” You asked.

“Yeah, I just wanna…” 

He cupped your face, ice cold because of the air. “I love you a lot, sorry if it’s getting repetitive.” 

“It’s cold,” you muttered, taking his hands into yours. 

“Yeah, let’s get going,” he laughed. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Unfortunately, you still had these urges, these desires, these _needs_ that occupied your mind. Yet, Kogane seemed to help every single time. You weren’t used to this level of intimacy, especially from Kogane. Yet, you let yourself soften, become vulnerable, within his touch.

He pressed gentle kisses against your thighs, against your chest, all over your body. Softly, he caressed every part of your body, he wanted to hold and feel and see and _admire_ you. You drowned in reverie, in your dreamy fantasies.

And, perhaps for the first time, it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> ty to sev 4 beign super sexy n letting me rant abt thisto him for 4 days straight yuo cna now rest
> 
> repeating this disclaimer again: as a note, this isn't meant to glorify or romanticize hypersexuality or intrusive thoughts, coming from someone that struggles with those things themself. and, as a note, this isn't meant to be a definitive guide or reference on anything; this quite literally is just a vent fic/cope fic BAHAHA


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